


Lost

by BytheSea (ye_old_cactus)



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 23:23:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12543592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ye_old_cactus/pseuds/BytheSea
Summary: Time has passed and Kaidan is still trying to deal with Shepard's sacrifice.





	Lost

I think it’s been months maybe just days, or maybe years, I don’t know.

Since he died, I have no grasp of time…

I’m clueless about what’s going on around me, how my friends are doing, how’s the universe holding up since he saved it, I feel so lost.

I am lost.

I think I’m still waiting for the call… the one I dream about every night when I’m in bed and exhaustion only takes over me. I’m waiting for the call telling me he’s alive, asking for me in a hospital bed.

It hasn’t come, it never will.

I tried to continue with my life, to join my fellow soldiers in the battlefield… to be the kind of Spectre I’m supposed to be, to be _fucking_ normal, but I just couldn’t.

I saw him in every soldier I saved, in every man with blue eyes I came across, in the person greeting me every morning when I looked at myself in the mirror, because he’s become a part of me. He’s engraved in my heart, in my head, in my own eyes. He’s everywhere.

My head keeps playing the last _‘always’_ he said to me, it’s like a broken record, but it’s okay because I think I am… broken. I’m incomplete without him.

I feel betrayed and like a betrayer, I’m scared I’ll forget him… after all the nights spent together, all the days waking up next to each other, all the times he saved me and gave me a meaning and made me feel important, in every mission he took me to, it made me believe we were invincible, and yet… here I am _living_ without him.

And I do know I can live without him. That I can be the man I used to be before I met him, the Major and Spectre I was when our paths diverged, the soldier I became so many years ago. That’s what I’ve been for I don’t know how long, but I don’t want to, not anymore. I don’t have the will or the drive or the resolve to do so.

Because, when he left, he took that part of me with him.


End file.
